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Monday, 7 September 2009


Saturday was the day of the wedding.

Mrs Smith had dedicated countless hours to the meticulous planning of what was to be an amazing wedding day, and for some reason, the logic of which I still fail to see, chose me to be one of her bridesmaids.

So far I had let her down quite spectacularly by:
  • Playing virtually no part in the planning of her Hen Weekend
  • Promising to come up to London for her final fitting, and then missing the only bus (who knew the megabus did not depart from Bretonside, but the Theatre Royal? Not me, evidently)
  • Leaving a sobbing message on her answerphone on the aforementioned day of the fitting, followed promptly by a slightly manic one when I threw caution to the wind and booked the train to get me there instead
  • Eating so much that there was serious concern that my bridesmaids dress would not fit
  • Missing the rehearsal

So I was adamant that when the time came, I would come into my own and show her why she had chosen me.

That opportunity presented itself whilst Mrs Smith was having her hair and make up done, when Mr Smith called to inform us that the Routemaster bus that she had spent hours agonising over before booking had broken down en route to the church, with the majority of their wedding guests inside.

The other bridesmaid answered my phone and for some unknown reason, having already received a text from one of the passengers, I called out "It's ok, I know what it's about!"

To which Mrs Smith responded: "What's going on?"

Seizing my moment to do my bit, I calmly replied, "Something has happened. But it's nothing to worry about and it's all under control now". There. Problem solved. What more could she need to know, that should have put her mind at rest. Nice balance of acknowledging the problem and reassuring her that everything was under control.

"What's happened?" She asked.

"It's fine. It's fine!" I soothed.

"Just tell me! I'd rather know."

Before I had time to think, my lips were moving. "Ok. The bus has broken down!"


"But it's fine, there's another one on the way. It's all under control, we'll just leave a little bit later."

"How much later? I bloody knew this would happen. I asked him if it would break down on such a long journey! He assured me it wouldn't!"

It was at this point that my mouth decided this was the best way to console a panic-stricken bride on the morning of her wedding:

"One day you'll laugh about this! Probably not today, but one day".

Sensing this was in fact not the correct thing to say, I further offered,

"Look, we get all this extra time with the photographer and we can have an extra drink before we set off!"

Thankfully, Mrs Smith did not kill me with her bouquet and remained reasonably calm, all things considered.

The other bridesmaid asked me what I was thinking when I blurted out what had happened instead of just pretending they were stuck in traffic. I responded that she might have thought Mr Smith was being talked into turning up or similar, so thought honesty was the best policy.

Later that evening is when I feel I truly earned my stripes, by getting the groom's father on the dancefloor to the tune of "Boom Shake Shake Shake The Room" by Will Smith and getting him to pirouette on what was until that point, an injured knee.

So from reading this blog, you should now know two things about me:

Do not ask me to be your bridesmaid, or look after your child.


The rest of the day passed without any issues. It was a lovely wedding for an awesome couple. Congratulations Mr & Mrs Smith! xxx

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