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Saturday, 12 December 2009

Easy Tiger

Well, well, welllllll.

Another day, another douchebag of the sports star variety.

I have been watching with great interest as the disaster that is Tiger Woods's personal life has unfolded in front of the world's media. Not content with holing one, it seems that Tiger has been nailing any woman who so much as serves him a cocktail.

It all started with this mysterious car crash outside his house in the early hours of the morning. As a Sky News addict, I read the story and immediately wondered how someone famed for their spatial awareness managed to crash their car into both a hydrant and a tree whilst exiting their driveway.

Sadly, he survived, and his bizarre refusal to discuss the crash with police set into motion the uncovering of drama of Eastenders proportions . As the next few days passed, the tabloids were filled with sordid revelations about extra-marital affairs. Of course, it now seems likely that Tiger was fleeing his hysterical wife, who was probably trying to beat the shit out of him using one of his own golf clubs.

A couple of weeks have now passed and the stories are still coming thick and fast. Tiger has now released a statement on his website that reads as follows:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What's most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Oh boo hoo. My heart bleeds for you Tiger.

One of the richest and most successful sportsmen in the world, with two young children and married to a MODEL. But somehow like David Beckham (allegedly), Ashley Cole (allegedly) and Wayne Rooney (allegedly), all this isn't enough.

And as happened with Posh, Cheryl and Colleen, if his wife takes him back women all over the world will sigh and shake their heads wondering what the hell she is thinking. Poor Tiger (because lets not forget everyone, we should be feeling sorry for HIM) wants to try to repair the damage he has caused by (apparently) having affairs with numerous women, some of which allegedly happened whilst his wife (did I mention, she's a model?) was heavily pregnant with their child.

What exactly is there to repair, I wonder? Although it may be hurtful, I can understand the process of people having affairs, perhaps there are problems in the relationship, one person meets someone else who fills the void that currently exists, and before they know it they've crossed the line. Although it would be difficult I do believe that some couples can overcome this kind of affair if both parties are willing.

It is entirely different to be one of the most famous people on the planet, arrogantly shacking up with numerous women all over the world and thinking nobody would ever blab. For this to have been going on for months without anybody knowing would have involved a significant cover-up operation by teams of people, and I really don't know how someone could forgive deceit on such a pathological level.

I myself have been the unfortunate recipient of the affections of such a philanderer. Sadly, nowhere near as wealthy as Mr Woods. I am ashamed to admit that said "gentleman" was also apparently engaged at the time, but such was his level of expertise I believed that the relationship had been over for months and because his fiancee was recovering from cancer, he didn't have the heart to leave her just yet. He showered me with compliments and made me feel like I was the most amazing girl he had ever met.

I realised that things might not quite be as they appeared when I had just dropped him home and received a text saying "almost there, brrr it's cold". Suspicious, I replied asking if he had meant to send that to me and he came up with another elaborate story explaining away his bizarre comments. Of course, deep down I already knew he was on his way to meet the next girl, and this was confirmed over the coming few weeks when I realised that when he had been looking at flats with me, he was also texting several other girls telling them that he would be with them soon.
One day, whilst sat in the work canteen, I overheard a colleague asking someone who wasn't me where he was, and my suspicions were confirmed. I wasn't even upset or angry, I just felt like a complete idiot for being so gullible and believing all his lies, and knowing that the few people who did know about "us" were going to feel sorry for me.

He actually got engaged to the next one, a gorgeous, lovely girl who thankfully also managed to escape before it was too late.

Shortly after this disaster, I met a funny, kind Welshman who this year became Mr G, and everything worked out brilliantly in the end, so I will await Mrs Tiger Woods's next move with interest...


  1. I love it! Pure brilliance in literary form. xx

  2. I know who the "gentleman" is and they just got married....

  3. Really?! I haven't seen him for a while although we were on friendly terms. Good luck to him, perhaps he has changed his ways! It was a long time ago now. Better not write anything on here but you'll have to tell me more when you next see me...