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Friday, 19 March 2010

What the Douche?

So… Vernon and Tess are back on track for now.

Mark has gone into rehab to help cure him of his “demons”

Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar and no sooner has she had chance to finish her first interview it’s revealed her husband has been cheating on her for a year with some chick covered in tattoos and THEN.....

We get the shy and retiring former porn star, Josyln James, setting up a website which appears to have the sole intention of showing a couple of pics of her with her boobies out, but more importantly graphic details of the texts she was sent during her lengthy affair with (Easy) Tiger Woods. Yippeeee!

For the sake of journalistic research, I had a bit of a nosey at the website and then a good laugh reading out some of the more sordid texts to my friends, blushing and trying to keep down a little bit of sick at the same time.

I suppose we shouldn’t really be shocked at the content of the messages Tiger sent to a lady who after all, makes her living by appealing to men’s darkest fantasies and being a little bit dirty. Likewise, I noticed that Josyln (or “Joss” as I now like to call her since I feel I know her so well) has taken care not to publish any of the texts she sent back, but I think we can probably assume that it wasn’t something along the lines of: “Where can we go in the local area for a really good horse ride?”

that lead to the response:

“I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore”.

Nonetheless, it’s all just a little bit grubby for my liking. I’m due to have a Big Tasty of my very own today – from McDonalds for my lunch – and all of a sudden I’m not sure if I fancy it any more. I cannot recall a time when this has ever happened before.

But what I now want to know is this: Is Tiger just a dirty old douchebag, or would most men, given the opportunity and belief that they would never get caught, do the same?

Just like Tiger's actions (hopefully) don't speak for all men, clearly I can’t speak for all women but from my perspective I just cannot see what is sexy about these messages. I’m obviously missing something here. Please don't worry about filling me in if you get it, I think I've been through enough for one day.

I’ve had a good read through the sexts and chosen some of my personal favourites, and by “favourite” I mean that is what they would be if I lived a double life as an adult entertainer going by the name of Thumper Magee...Nope, actually, I’d still be put off my lunch.

I’ve copied the alleged messages exactly as they appeared so you’ll notice that in his excitement, Tiger appears to have dispensed with any kind of punctuation - which has annoyed me for a start. It takes seconds to add a question mark, Tiger.

“I will try to wear you out”

“Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls”

“you didn’t answer the question”

Text Colour

“Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust”

“does that excite you at all or no” (I think it’s quite sweet here how’s he’s actually given her an option of saying no. It’s just a hunch, but I’m guessing she didn’t. It also reminds me a little bit of how Mr G might say to me something along the lines of "Do you wanna get chips for tea tonight or no?").

“I know you have tried every position imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp”. (For God’s sake do NOT Google a dp if, like me, you did not know what it was. It ain’t Dorothy Perkins, let me tell you).

“have you ever had a golden shower done to you”

And my top-of-the-pops-favourite:

“I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but I will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before I go :)” I like the addition of the smiley, it says dirty, but cheeky.

Perhaps he saves the real romance for his actual wife, who is presumably finally wondering whether the billionaire-golfer is really worth sticking around for?

For a little experiment (and please, feel free to play this game if you’re ever incredibly bored) I sent a couple of non-gender specific Tiger Texts to my husband to see whether he went for it.

Here is the reply I got:


“Have you been sniffing glue?”

I don’t think Mr G’s got any need to worry about me sexting behind his back unless I suddenly find someone who wants to indulge my wildest fantasies of surprising me with a Big Tasty (of the McDonalds variety) before running me a hot bubble bath and feeding me Flakes.


  1. Will you please stop talking about big tasties, I love them so much but they are 1800 calories if not more, makes my blood clot just thinking about them.......

  2. The replies from Mr. G are priceless.

    The Big Tasty with Bacon, now that's a burger and a half!