This Week's XFactor Predictions

I fear it will be the end of the line for Bellamy Belle Amie tomorrow night. As we know, girl groups never get the public vote, so I think they'll be teetering off into the sunset and before the month is out appearing in various tabloids stripped down to their La Senza underwear, admitting they all hated each other really. Which is a shame because I quite liked them actually.

Cher-L will probably be safe again because in the eyes of the viewing demographic who are too young to know otherwise, she is like, totally unique. And a girl on my bus had the Cher version (which, incidentally, is identical to the Keri Hilson version) of Turn My Swag On as her text alert the other day so the kids must be down with her. The good news though, is that for every week she stays in the competition, there's a chance that she goes out for a celebratory meal so that's at least one more meal a week than she was eating before.

One Direction's vocal arrangement will have been thrown into chaos this week when one of their member's voice dropped.

At least one contestant will be shown visiting a doctor on Harley Street in a desperate bid to find a pioneering cure for the common cold.

Simon will use the word "relevant" 5 times. And will also declare after every act that we've just witnessed "the best performance of the night so far".

Louis' hair will have gone back to grey.