The Tabloid Roos-papers

I noticed Wayne Rooney in the papers again yesterday, and for once I'm on his side.

Yes, ok so he made himself look like a bit of a ninny with all that "I'm off!" "Oh actually, I'm staying" drama last week but as we all know I ain't even bovvered about football so I paid little attention to that, apart from perhaps to look down my nose (and laugh patronisingly) at the losers who took to angrily protesting on the Rooneys' front lawn. And come to think about it, get a little bit annoyed at the notion that it was obviously Colleen's fault he was leaving.

All in all, he earned himself something like an extra £100k per week for kicking up that little stink, and it seems like nobody really liked him anyway so I doubt he's too concerned about public perception of him.

Which is lucky really, as little did he know it was about to get a whole lot worse.

That's right. He's masterminded a bumper pay rise which he is now getting stick for to the extent that he has received death threats and has football hooligans camped outside his house; lets not forget after the hooker scandal, he'll be trying to worm his way out of the doghouse for quite some time yet; oh, and it's his birthday.... So how bloody dare he GO ON HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE NICE.

Seriously, this was front page news on the tabloids yesterday, for example;  The Mirror "Rooney flees furore with £17k holiday to Dubai" and The Star "Rooney's Obscene Holiday".

Let me be clear, Wayne Rooney could buy my house outright every week with his wage increase alone. I have no money. I wish I had some money. That doesn't mean that a) Rooney is not entitled to spend his and b) it's his fault that nobody else has any money. Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely jealous that he's got all that cash and last week I spent my very last pennies on an emergency Freddo bar, but that's the industry he works in:

• His football club (for whatever footballing reason, that does not interest me in the slightest) agreed to pay him that much money. 
• If his club hadn't, I'm led to believe another would have. 
• All football clubs seem to spend a ridiculous amount of money on their players. 
• Football fans also seem to pay a ridiculous amount of money supporting their clubs.

It might not be right, but it's not his fault.

Again, I'm stretching my understanding of the fiscal situation here but last time I checked, Wayne Rooney was not single handedly responsible for the Double Dip Recession, so why does it matter if he's spent an afternoon's wages on a mini break? If I had it, so would I. And I would help out charities. For all we know, so do the Rooneys. Chris Evans said in his latest autobiography that one day he and Billie Piper got a private jet to South Africa, went into a bar, had one drink and then flew home again. Granted, quite irresponsibly enlarging their carbon footprint but that aside (minor point!) what's the big deal?

I'm sure he would get just as much stick for going to Centerparcs for the weekend, only everyone would be calling him tight then. In fact, by my calculations, spending 17k on a holiday when you earn £800,000 per month is about the equivalent of someone on a £20k salary spending about £35 on a weekend away.

I think we've got far bigger economic problems to worry about than Rooney's disposable income.

Just saying.

Wayne Boooooooooooney

Another day, another footballer accused of cheating on his missus...

This time it's the turn of Wayne Rooney, who has been punching well above his weight since he and Coleen first got together as schoolkids many moons ago.

Their relationship has already weathered the storm of his alleged brothel visits as a teenager and now two more hookers have felt it their duty to inform his wife of his dirty antics via the medium of the national newspapers. But hey, let's not judge them - they're genuinely sorry about it now.

A couple of things have struck me about this whole sorry saga, which I have listed below in the style of a tabloid.

• One of the escorts brags that during their threesome with Wayne, she and her colleague  "WORE IDENTICAL black lacy bra-and-brief sets specially bought from La Senza." Classy. Now there's nothing wrong with La Senza but if I was paying someone £1,200 for their services I would expect at the very least Agent Provocateur.

• Vice girl Jenny Thompson claims that Wayne was "shy and awkward - and me and my friend were left to do ALL THE WORK". Excuse me for pointing out the obvious, but isn't that what they were being paid for?

• She also moans that "It was ALL OVER far too quickly." Errr, you're a prostitute love. Isn't that a good thing? Easy money, so to speak. Although, arguably, not as easy as the £100k Pooney earned last week when he didn't even play.

Now, we could sit here all night analysing why these sports players do it... Is it the power? Is it the money? (Is it the power and the money, the money and the power? Have they all just been listening to too much Coolio in the changing rooms?) But who really cares!? I do not get it. Why do people idolise them so much? Cheating, fighting, speeding...They're not even good at football any more!

But more importantly, why do so many girls aspire to be married to them? If it's just for the money, why do they keep taking them back when they could get divorced and take half?!

Before I put the subject of Rooney to bed (in the doghouse, where he belongs), here's a suspiciously familiar story from 2005 that has gone mysteriously unmentioned in recent weeks but that nonetheless I remembered... Coleen, ditch him!