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Thursday, 22 July 2010

Don't Stop Believing... I'll Try...

If, like me, you're a fan of X Factor, you're looking forward to that new music show with Dizzee Rascal on the judging panel, and you secretly enjoyed Sky 1's "Got To Dance" (let's admit, mainly for Ashley Banjo's contribution) you might have seen this advert on Channel 5 recently and thought "oooh that looks good!".

You would have been wrong. Very wrong.

On Sunday, my sister Hazel, Brother In Law and baby JEdwards came over for tea.
Mr G and the Brother In Law firmly plonked themselves down on the settee in front of the golf (something of a running theme last weekend) whilst me and my sister sat tutting, shaking our heads and making the odd sarcastic comment about how much we hate sport - which naturally fell on deaf ears.

As you will by now know, this does annoy me somewhat. I do pay for half of this house and all its facilities, including a massive TV package for Sky Sports 1, Sky Sports 2, Sky Sports 3, Sky Sports News, Sky Sports Ad Infinitum, and right now I am sat in my boiling hot kitchen writing my blog whilst the tea is in the oven and Mr G watches Top bloody Gear. I don't recall Carrie Bradshaw having to suffer for her art in this indignant manner. Oh no, she got to look out over a bustling New York street scene when she wrote. I'm looking at a Tesco Bag for Life and realising I've forgotten to put the steamer on.

So, after about two hours, me and Hazel had collectively fed the baby, changed the baby, put the baby down for a nap, read a couple of magazines, played with the baby, taken some photos of the baby, cooked the tea, served the tea. Mr G and my brother in law had not moved.

Call me modern, but this annoys me.

So, I came up with a cunning plan...

"Right, it's 7 o'clock. That programme I REALLY wanted to watch is on now so you're going to have to turn over."

"Which programme?"

"You know! Emma Bunton! The singers! That advert!"

"What channel is it on then?" asked the Alpha Males.

"Sky One" I snapped back, confidently.

They switched over to Sky One where something along the lines of Battlestar Galactica was showing, and laughed. Dammit.

After realising it was on Channel 5 we switched over and I sat there smugly, happy in the knowledge we were about to be mesmerised by talent.

Well... Mesmerised is one word for it.

With seemingly no explanation as to what on Earth it was all about, up popped Emma Bunton to introduce "The expert panel of judges" Anastasia, Duncan From Blue, Tamsin Outhwaite and some choreographer who I think was called Chuckie and who I know worked with Michael Jackson. I know because he kept telling everyone.

Let's not forget, this show was dubbed "The all-singing, all-dancing event of the summer" and "nothing like the X factor".

The judges walked out on stage to some bellowing classical music and stood there soaking it all up before heading over to their seats. Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't we seen that somewhere before?

Anyway, before you knew it there were about 200 am-drams on stage wearing the products of a ram-raid at GAP, doing a (very bad) group rendition of "I gotta feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. Correct me if I'm wrong but haven't we seen that somewhere before? Oh yes. On X Factor. And probably at sixth form talent shows the length and breadth of the country.

We all sat there in stunned silence.

"You enjoying this love?" piped up Mr G.

"What the hell's going on?!" I choked as the first group, "Dice", appeared out of nowhere to murder a Basement Jaxx classic seamlessly pasted together with Voulez Vous by ABBA, before switching back to Basement Jaxx again.

Who were they? Where had they come from? How were they selected to take part? What's the prize?

"This is awful!" I whispered "Shall we turn over?!"

"Ohhhh nooooooo no no no no!" laughed Mr G. "We're going to be watching this every week now love!"

The rest of the show continued for an hour and a half in much the same vein, i.e like I was hallucinating.
Not a clue what was going on, all a bit random, lots of bright colours..... and just when we thought it was all over, lovely Emma announced it was "Time to meet the Don't Stop Believing Supergroup!".
What?

No explanation as to why they were there. It sort of implied there was some kind of competitive element to the band but it wasn't really clear. I think new people get voted in to join them each week but I could have imagined that. They, also, were pretty rubbish.

Mr G has promised that I can watch it every week! Please let it clash with Top Gear.

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