Just reporting back from a potential near-death experience in a value supermarket chain that rhymes with "Piddle".
When I say "potential" what I actually mean is, on a sliding scale of probability the chances of me actually dying could have ranked anywhere from "totally impossible" to "a dead cert", if you'll pardon the pun. But far be it for me to exaggerate. Here's what happened:
On my way home from work I stopped in to pick up a few essential ingredients for the pasties I'm about to make and got distracted by the fruit (see earlier post about Big Fat Baby G for rationale).
Shortly after having a good old burrow around inside a box of bananas, I overheard a rather frantic conversation taking place between a customer and the security guard* involving the following words "those bananas", "spiders web" and "deadly exotic spider". As I discreetly edged closer to the unfolding scene, I watched the security guard call over the manager and then rather flamboyantly wrap the exact box I had just been rummaging around in with a load of plastic before very tentatively removing it from the store.
Now it's not like me to over-react to these situations. I mean, worst case scenario, some lesser-spotted yellow-backed widow might very well have been hibernating snugly inside a bunch of bananas and been disturbed by my rummaging, but that does not necessarily mean that it crawled onto my cardigan without me noticing, scurried away into my bag where it will hide for a while before biting me on the hand next time I'm digging around for my wallet, sending me into anaphylactic shock and resulting in my death. No. I'm sure it's fine...Which is why I am sat writing this in my underwear with my entire outfit including shoes in the washing machine and the contents of my bag scattered all around me. Come to think about it, I am starting to feel a bit itchy...
* Incidentally, why does Lidl have security guards? If I was ever tempted to shoplift, I would at least do it in Marks and Spencers or Waitrose where a) there are no visible security guards and b) I'd be able to make off with something a bit more exciting than a 24 pack of recycled toilet rolls and a carton of Orangensaft.