Two Things

This morning I leave the house (albeit late) in a lovely, summery mood.

That is until I get as far as my local Co-Op, or Cwop as the locals like to call it, and see a chavvy man prancing around topless with his T-Shirt tucked into his shorts like a window cleaner's rag. Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning. We're not at the beach! Put your top back on!

I don't know why it annoys me so much but it does. Sure, it might be hot at the moment but does everyone really have to see that? The answer is no. Nobody wants to see that. Here is a list of men for whom it would be acceptable to walk the streets with no top on:

• David Beckham.

The equivalent would be me strutting over to the bus stop in my bikini, and I am 100% confident that there is nobody on the planet who would appreciate being subjected to that sight before their first coffee of the day. Or at any other time of the day for that matter.

If you're hot, wear linen!

Next, I get on the bus and am followed on by a massive chap who plonks himself down with his entourage and huffs at the top of his voice, "God it stinks on this bus! It's disgusting! Look at them all sat here with the windows closed. A bit of soap and water never hurt anyone".

Everyone else on the bus sits in polite silence.

"Oh God, it's making me feel sick. Someone on this bus stinks."

Someone on this bus is probably going to throw themself in front of a moving car as soon as it pulls into the next stop, I think, discretely edging my nose towards my arm pit to check the offensive odour isn't coming from me. It isn't. It's nobody. There is no smell.

"Put that money away love, you've only just robbed that Post Office and you're counting that money already! HA HA HA HA HA" He bellows to his female companion.

She makes some comment in response which nobody else hears as it turns out, she speaks at a normal volume. There follows a brief recommendation to the entire bus that Wetherspoons do a good kids meal for £3.50, and his parents are off to Spain next week, as they do every year. Then comes the blinder:

"You shouldn't even really be out the house, love! That's why women have got small feet, so they can stand closer to the sink. HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

I've had enough of this.

"Right, dickhead!You might think someone on this bus stinks, but we all think someone on this bus has got a big gob. None of us want to hear your shit opinions and crap jokes, so shut the fuck up before I tell the bus driver to lock the doors and we all sit here sweating it out until you pass out!" - Is what I would have said, had I not already chosen to sit in silence and, with my back to them, roll my eyes. Then write about it on my blog  later, when I'm safely out of danger.